I should really change the name of my blog. I have been in Baton Rouge rather than Boise for the last six months. That said, I should really have been keeping my blog up while I have been here; it has definitely been an experience like no other.
About five months ago I met the most wonderful man. I fell in love with him quickly; so did he. He fell completely in love with me that he "knew" I was the right one. I went to his parent's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas (Texas being much closer to Louisiana than Idaho). ALl the sappy lovey stuff that new in-love couples do. We had some fights, but we had more amazing times than fights. I thought (and still think he may be...I am not going to give up on that one yet) he was (is) the right one.
The thing is, the situation here working on a Disaster Relief Operation, living in hotels, driving rental cars, and not really knowing anyone outside of those you work with, is very artificial; it is not as though we entered into the relationship with any of our OWN lives surrounding us. (The first time that I typed that sentence it said "own livers", which was funnier, but not what I meant.) This artificiality combined with the quarter life crisis of trying to decide what the hell to do with our selves (separately) put too much pressure on our relationship. He thinks I am not independent enough, I think he is afraid and angry.
Because it was hard for me to think about the hard things--where am I going to live (even narrowing it down to a state would have been good), what kind of career am I going to follow, that type of thing--I simply enjoyed my time with him in the median before jumping out into the traffic of life. This became suffocating I am certain, and led to him thinking that I was not independent. BUT THIS IS AN ARTIFICIAL SITUATION! I don't care if you are fine living your life out of a hotel room; that is not the issue. The issue is not having (or having the time to find) anything outside of the DR in your/my life. So our life became some weird extension of the DR. Definitely not an ideal situation to begin a relationship in, but moving past the situation into the real world is not that large of a leap.
This piled on top of his incredibly critical mind, proved too much for our relationship to bear. I am certain that he has ripped me to shreds in his mind, making mince meat out of me until there was little of the me that he loved there. He did this with our relationship too. He told me on Saturday that he felt like it wasn't going to work (Independence? give me a try after the DR sweetie; I am plenty independent) and that he had felt that way for about three weeks. I believe him when he says this, BUT I know what I am to him. If this is a time/space thing, I will hapily live my life without you until you come to your senses my dear.
Anyway, when I left yesterday morning, he said that when I walked out that door, there would be no us (for awhile; I think I remember him saying this, but will put it in parenthesis because I am not certain; listening is another area that I need to work on) . But, he didn't want any of his things that I had brought down, nor did he insist that I take mine with me. And, I have his Jeep in my custody parked in my parking lot in Baton Rouge. So, eventually, he will have to see me, and maybe by then he will be thinking more clearly, and see what a gem he is willing to give up. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!
I felt terrible for the better part of yesterday. I was sick to my stomach, and exhausted, yet couldn't make my mind shut up enough to sleep.
Monday began miserably. I hear that he also felt miserable; this lightened my mood a bit, I have to say. (If I knew how to add footnotes to my blog, I would. I think they are one of the most wonderful aspects of the written word; they allow you to have ADD and still keep the main piece on track, yet still add whatever random comment you would like to the piece. That said, the footnote would read as follows: If we are both miserable, maybe we shouldn't have broken up? Call me crazy.) End footnote.
I kept myself busy most of the day with some elaborate Excel spreadsheet project that I created for myself tracking all of the missing equipment under my charge. Entering numbers repetitively can be very soothing. But then I got bored, and got sick. My stomach became so upset that I threw up. This has NEVER happened to me before. Sure my emotions are overboard sometimes, but physically ill because someone broke your heart? I felt like Tolstoy's Kitty after being rejected by Vronsky. How ridiculous. I endured the rest of the day with help coming from an impromptu game of football the guys in my group arranged; it was really fun, and a great stress reliever.
After I got off work, I went back to the hotel and changed into my running clothes. I forget how much I love to do this. I have gotten over many a man by running. Today though was different; it was more than that. Thinking about this made me feel so much better. It made everything so much clearer to me.
My hotel sits on a busy road divided by a grassy median. I was able to make it across the first side of traffic without having to even slow my step. Then I was trapped on the median for what seemed like an eternity; so long that I began staring at the cars and daydreaming, making myself stay on the median even longer, losing myself in the thoughts that were running through my mind. Which was where this thought came from:
My life is in the median right now. I have already successfully passed the first lane, which was slower, and easier to get through (finishing college, moving away from home, dating a few bad apples, having a few really good jobs and alll of that other growing-up crap). Right now I am in the median daydreaming, which is where I have been with my relationship too. There is nothing wrong with this, the median can be a very happy, fulfilling place,kind of like a vacation, but not forever. Sooner or later you have to jump into traffic and go. I would love to jump into traffic with him, but right now we both need to figure out all of the other stuff (jobs, school, location...All of the HUGE stuff that makes up life). He also has a TON of stuff that he needs to deal with to make him able to be loved completely by someone,If you ever read this, you really do deserve that and more; you deserve me.
So I abandoned the median. And I ran. Hard. Harder than I have ran in a very long time. I ran hard enough that I threw-up just like I did the first week of track practice in high school. This time though it wasn't because I was resembling some Russian literature lovely; I was getting all of the poison out of my body. The feelings of hurt, anger, saddness...they all needed to go somewhere, and this is how they came out. I kept running. And running. I ran for an hour SOLID, and would have kept going had it not gotten dark.
The cool thing about running like this is that I got mad. I didn't do anything to change the course of our relationship, he did. I have not changed. I am the same awesome person that I have been since you met me. Just because his mood has been in the deep-end for the last little bit, does not mean that this is my fault (although, I am willing to accept that I could have exhibited more independence, and other characteristics the non-disaster Anne posesses). He could decide that it is okay to love me, and just accept that he is worthy of being loved, or he can rip me apart in his head and make me out to be the cause of all of his woes. This is simply not the case. I am so much better than this.
So now I will run. I will run into life. I am going to go home to get my things from Idaho, and come back to New Orleans. What an exciting place to be right now. The city is ripe with rebirth, and I want to be a part of it. I told myself that it would be a great place for us to start a life, but if he doesn't want to, I will start my life there, and maybe (maybe) he will catch up someday. This is a wonderful place for me right now...I can study sugarcane up the ying yang here, go see really good music whenever I want, meet lots of weird people, and never have to wear a down coat again. How exciting is that?
I am looking forward to it very much, even though I hurt very badly. But that is only temporary. How can he write off a love like ours? I don't think he can, and will remain hopeful (but not the stupid, pining type) while I whittle out my new life.
